Skeeter's Latest Scoop
by MissMarauder
Summary: This is a satire. It is not to be taken seriously. Do read this lightly. Not everything is accurate since it's dealing with the crazy ideas I've seen, but I've tried my best to keep it the dates and stuff right.


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Skeeter's Latest Report

By Beffie, Ravenclaw (whoopee_yippee_hurrah)

Rating: G

Spoilers: 1-5

Ships: Do I really have to say? It's better if you find out yourself. None are slash and only one has probably been done before.

Canon or not: pretty much canon, except Draco is a little different than how JKR writes him…for now hehe ^_^

Original Characters: Beffie, Eve, and Sear Bliehz, some unnamed extras

Beta: Sear(da_and_spew_member), Athena (spew_on_umbridge)

Rita Skeeter, loving being back in action, has done a complete research of Harry's life and will be speaking on Saturday the Seventh to share it with the public. You won't want to miss this! Bring this coupon and get 20% off the price of transportation to London on the Knight Bus.

Beffie and Eve Bliehz climbed over the steps in the death room to get the best seats for the reading. Luna Lovegood, who, as always, looked as if she walked in by accident, closely followed them. Beffie and Eve sat down on the lowest step, Luna right behind them. Eve look around, saw Luna, and sighed, turning back to her sister.

"Why did she have to come with us?" she asked Beffie.

"She's not as bad as you think," answered Beffie, "besides, she overheard us at the Ravenclaw table when you were asking me to go with you."

"Not many Slytherins visit us," said Luna dreamily.

"Yeah, I know." snapped Eve, "So don't get to used to it." Beffie gave her sister a small punch in the arm, but Luna just raised her eyebrows. Staring around, it was now Beffie's turn to ask a question.

"Why is the reading down here anyway? I didn't even know anyone aside from Unspeakables were allowed in the Department of Mysteries."

"I don't know," said Eve, "I guess they wanted a place big enough to hold us without taking up other public places. besides, it hasn't been very mysterious since Potter and his little friends were down here."

"Little?" asked Luna, eyebrows raised again.

"You are three years younger than me and Beffie." replied Eve, "therefore you are little." Eve smirked at Luna's reaction, but there was no more room for conversation beacause at that moment, a short, balding man emerged from what must be a hidden chamber beneath the tier in the center of the room.

"Quiet down everyone. Quiet down," the man instructed the audience, which was situated on one side of the circular room. He whispered to the crowd to play a long, then, in a loud voice: "Wizards, witches, and magical creatures of all kinds, welcome!" A polite clapping sounded. "I am please to present, our Master of Ceremonies, fresh from St. Mungo's and fully cured...Gilderoy Lockheart!" He made motions at the crowd, urging them to cheer loudly. Pitiful "yays" sounded.

"Shall I just enter through these curtains?" asked a quiet, yet pompous voice from the other side of the arch.

"Yes, yes, that'll be just fine," replied the short man. The audience heard a shuffling, a scream, then silence. When the crowd realized what had just happened, they all started to cheer very loudly. Except for a particularily frilly-looking middle-aged woman wearing an exceptionally large, silver dove clip in her hair, who ran squealing after Lockheart. No one seemed to think much of this second loss.

"Ah...so that's why we're down here," said Beffie to her sister, clapping and smiling, "how convenient."

"Definitely a nice touch," said Eve, grinning, "I never did like that git."

"That's quite a shame," said Luna, "he was a famed Crumple-Horned Snorkacks breeder." Eve and Beffie rolled their eyes at each other.

"And now," said the short man, trying to get everyone's attention, "And now, I give you...Rita Skeeter!" Beffie leaned foward on her seat, hoping to see Rita go into the arch too. Unfortunately she went straight from the hidden chamber to a podium in front of the arch. "There's still the chance she falls in backwards," Beffie whispered to Eve. Eve smiled but didn't reply for Rita had begun to talk.

"A lot of research and interviewing went into this story." Rita told them all. "And I assure you, it's all 100% true." Beffie sniggered. Eve poked her. Rita cleared her throat and began. _It all started seventeen years ago. It was a cold, dark Halloween night. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named..._

"VOLDEMORT!" shouted Eve. People around them screamed and shuddered. "I love that reaction" she whispered to Beffie, "it's so funny, don't you think?"

"I think it's funny how Skeeter's words are coming out sideways like that." replied Beffie, tilting her head.

Rita recomposed herself from the shock of Eve's sudden outburst, and went on. _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named..._

"VOLDEMORT!" shouted Eve. People around them screamed and shuddered. "I love that reaction" she whispered to Beffie, "it's so funny, don't you think?"

"I think it's funny how...whoa...I just had dejavu!" replied Beffie, tilting her head.

Rita recomposed herself from the shock of Eve's second sudden outburst, and went on. _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named..._

"VOLDEMORT!" shouted Eve. People around them screamed and shuddered. "I love that reaction" she whispered to Beffie, "it's so funny, don't you think?"

"I think you should really stop doing that." replied Beffie, tilting her head.

"Are you trying to crack your neck or something?" asked Eve, noting Beffie's tilted head.

Rita recomposed herself from the shock of Eve's not-so-sudden outburst, and went on.

_He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named..._(Beffie covers Eve's mouth) _was taking a break from finding followers for the night. He wanted to spend a romantic evening..._

"You-Know-Who, a romantic evening, are you mad?" exclaimed Beffie. Rita ignored her.

_...with his then current lover, newlywed Lily Potter. That night, after much cuddling and kissing, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named traced a heart over Lily's abdomen with his wand and she became pregnant. _Eve started to say something, but looking up at the title bar,she understood, big-Beffie was submitting this to HPLunatics, a G-rated group. _They weren't sure..._

"No, but I am!" shouted Sear, sitting a couple rows back with Hannah Abbott. Beffie accioed and threw his own shoe at him. She hated it when he did that.

_...what to do. Lily was a young, respected member of wizarding society and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was, well, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. But luckily for them, when their son was born he looked just like his half-brother, who also happened to be his step-dad. That's right, James and Harry Potter are both offspring of one of the most dark wizards ever._

Okay," said Beffie, "this is sounding too much like a soap opera for my taste."

"Beffie, said Eve, "didn't you see the title of Skeeter's article?" She pointed up. Above Rita's head in big, fancy letters was:

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THe Vold and the Beautiful

Beffie's jaw dropped. "You've got to be kidding me..." Someone sitting next to Luna hissed in Beffie's ear to be quiet as Rita continued. _Later He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named heard tell of a prophecy that said his son, the one Lily carried, will be the one to vanquish him. Well, he couldn't have that so he sauntered over to Godric's Hollow to kill young Harry. He had no problem thinking of killing his own two sons, but he had second thoughts about killing his past lover. In the end...well, you know the story, he killed Lily and James, and Harry survived and was shipped off to live with his Muggle relatives. What you don't know, and neither did He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, is that Lily had not one, but two babies on July 31st, 1980. The other was shipped off to live with Muggles as well, a pair of dentists by the name of Granger. _(Beffie groaned.) _They knew she was a witch, but didn't know what to make of that so they raised her normally and never told her. They pushed it to the back of their mind and later though it was a well thought-out office prank. So naturally they were surprised when she got her letter from Hogwarts. They weren't fully comfortable with this, but accepted it, told her to do her best, and sent her off to the same school where her twin was starting that year. _(Eve fell onto Beffie's shoulder, who, in turn, pinched her. Eve awoke and turned her attention back to Rita.) _Little Harry thought his Muggle guardians, the Dursleys, were his only_ _family. But at Hogwarts he would soon meet many unknown relatives. While boarding the train to his first year at Hogwarts, he met five of these relatives. And these were the Weasleys. Percy _(Beffie booed and hissed)_, Fred, George _(Beffie cheered)_, and Ron Weasley are Potter's half-uncles and Ginny is his half-aunt. _(People in the crowd looked confused, but luckily Rita supplied an explanation.) _Arthur Weasley, of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Department, was once married to Sally Lupin, a botanist (a Muggle who studies plants), when he was very young. they had two daughters and two sons, whom they named Lily, Petunia, Remus, and Nalin. However, they had problems and divorced. The Muggle kept the children. The two girls were adopted by Lupin's second husband, a Muggle named Marcell Evans. He didn't want any sons. So Remus took his mother's last name. Weasley then married his current wife, Molly, and had seven children. Mr. Weasley is Potter's grandfather._

"and related to Potter's Muggle family…" said Eve, "I bet they don't even know since the mother wiped Mr. Weasley out of their lives."

"Eve? What's wrong with you?" asked Beffie, punching her, "you're talking as if it's true!" Eve glared at Beffie, embarrassed at this. Beffie laughed silently. Her sister, just like herself, hated being wrong. Beffie and Eve weren't the only people talking this time. Everyone in the room was discussing Rita's news. Except Luna, who was convincing the person behind her that the belated Sirius Black was indeed musician Stubby Boardman, and that the Hobgoblins were planning a reunion concert once his name was cleared, but that now they were going to have a memorial concert in his honor.

"Excuse me," said a woman on the other side of the room, "Ms. Skeeter?"

"Yes?" Rita answered, pleased to have the attention back on herself.

"What about the other boy, Nalin?" the woman asked. Rita gave the kind of smile one would give if they had a juicy piece of gossip to tell.

"Well…before the divorce, something tragic happened" she said slowly, still smiling, _he was a bright, but naughty child who always played with his father's wand and potions equipment. He managed to make an aging potion, but it didn't go very well. It permanently made him look about 115 years older than he really was. A nearby wizarding family, the Dumbledores, had just lost a very old member of their family. The first Weasleys talked to the Dumbledores, and they sadly turned over Nalin, whose name was then changed to Albus._

"Oh for Heaven's sake!" shouted Eve.

"Young lady," snapped Rita, "I'll ask you to kindly not interrupt my reading anymore."

"But, really, though," added Beffie quietly, "are you seriously trying to tell us that Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts and once of the greatest sorcerors Britain has ever seen, is Harry's uncle and one of the youngest professors at Hogwarts!?"

"Yes, said Rita, eyeing the girls, "the youngest actually. He was also the youngest in his family. He's a year younger than Severus Snape, who, now that we are on the subject, spent his some of his younger years as a riverdancer…"

"Oh puh-leez!" Eve shouted, "the stuff you come up with! You should stick with writing for the Quibbler!" Luna looked proud. Eve looked at the short man, who was motioning to a guard to escort Eve out. A second guard went for Beffie, but she brushed him off. Rita glared at the retreating figures, the tallest keeping a firm grip on another struggling, and the third walking calmly beside them. When the two girls were pushed out of the room, Rita continued her story. (_Minerva McGonagall, Harry's…) _Beffie started to tell Eve off, but was interrupted by a door closing on the other side of the room. They crossed the room quickly and opened the door to investigate. Another door closed nearby. They sped up, wands out, following the sounds of closing doors. Finally, Beffie saw a white-blond head retreat through a doorway.

"Impedimenta!" she cried, pointing her wand at the figure.

"Good aim," Eve told her as they ran forward to see what the person, Draco Malfoy, was up to. "What are you doing here, Malfoy? Taking a bit of a holiday since your father is in jail?"

"None of your business." Sneered Draco. "I'm not surprised to see you in there, you've always been an odd one."

"I was in there because I heard laughing improves your health," replied Eve, "but at least I wasn't hiding in the shadows like some kind of burrowing…ferret."

"Shut up!" snapped Draco, pulling out his wand, "hehehe hahaha hohoho!" He was to slow. Eve hit him first with the tickling charm. As he was trying to recompose himself, Beffie saw a picture sticking out of his pocket.

"Accio." She said, catching the picture in midair. Her eyes widened as she saw what it was. Draco tried to grab for it, but Eve hit him with a freezing charm as she walked over to Beffie. She starting laughing really hard as she saw the picture.

"Merlin's beard," she said over her laughter, "wait until the other Slytherins, or the whole school, gets a load of this. Come on Beffie, we've got some flyers to make."

Beffie and Eve were getting dressed the next day when a barn owl brought the paper. Eve gave paid it and took the paper.

"Hey Beffie, look, our story is in the paper already," she told her sister.

"Ooh, I wanna see," Beffie took the paper and read it, "See, I told you going to Skeeter's thing wouldn't be a total waste."

"Yeah," replied Eve, taking the paper back and looking at it again, "and I guess it wasn't."

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The Daily Prophet :: 5 Knuts Public Announcements :: 6E

ATTENTION HOGWARTS STUDENTS:

The Bliehz twins have out a secret about the popular Slytherin Prefect Draco Malfoy. After catching him watching Rita Skeeter's reading, they found out his newest crush and favorite band. Here is the confiscated picture: 

__

The Muggle pop band the Spice Girls have just released their first single.


End file.
